I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
