Only a mothe r could love this liver
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
