I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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