A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
