I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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