In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
