from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
