I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I think a kid would responsible me up
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
