3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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