This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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