Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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