he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i drank out of a bidet.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
