Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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