It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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