just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
