the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
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