she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
