Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Randomize
