I swear she didn't look like that last week.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize