I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize