I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
i believe in u and ur pee
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
