i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
