He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize