Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
