woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
