I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
