tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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