just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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