new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
