If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
