Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
