I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
