u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
