Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
