I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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