The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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