My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
