She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
