just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I need to sanitize my soul.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize