I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
