Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
