I just pynch a tree in the face
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
