i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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