Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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