Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
it hurts more in the daytime
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
