Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
