I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
