OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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