I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
