he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
