come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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