Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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