I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
