Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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