Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
