What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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