i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
