More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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