the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
